


Losing

by ididnotseethatcoming



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, Marvel Reader Insert, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Reader Insert, graphic description of miscarriage, this is some heavy shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-07-11 07:40:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7038889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ididnotseethatcoming/pseuds/ididnotseethatcoming
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Starting a family with Captain America might be harder than you thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Is there anything I can do to decrease the chances? This is our third time, and I don’t know if we can handle another loss.”

“Well, to start, you can take it easy, Y/N. I know that’s not really the way you work, but you might need to try. You’re already taking folic acid, and I know you’re taking good care of yourself.” Your doctor placed a reassuring hand on your knee and smiled. “I know it’s been hard for you and your husband, but don’t let the past stop you from hoping for a better future. Keep believing.”

She stood and left the examination room, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

Steve Rogers was and is your everything. Your 4 years of marriage, along with 3 years together before that haven’t always been easy, but they’ve been the best of your life. From the time he carried you out of a burning building to the time you flew all the way to France just to get real French croissants and macarons - even the time you nearly set the Avengers facilities on fire while trying to prove a point - you’d been together. You truly were each other’s match in every respect.

_When you decided to start a family, it took 10 months for you to finally find out you were pregnant._

_At 9 weeks along, happy didn’t even begin to cover the way you felt - elated, overjoyed, lucky, thankful - you and Steve were ecstatic._

_So when you were sitting in your living room in the afternoon, relaxing with your head in Steve’s lap, you didn’t expect to feel sharp pains in your lower stomach and back. You didn’t expect to gasp and cry out, sending Steve into a panic. You didn’t expect to feel a sticky dampness leak between your legs as the pain continued. You curled into yourself, tears escaping your clenched eyelids as you tried to comprehend what could be happening._

_Steve quickly moved to kneel on the floor in front of the couch, placing a hand on your head and the other on your leg in an attempt to bring you back to reality. “Doll? Y/N? What’s happening, sweetheart, I need you to tell me what’s wrong. Can you do that for me, honey?”_

_It was then that he saw the blood leaking through your shorts and he paled._

_“Stomach… I think… baby,” you whimpered, trying to gather the concentration to communicate with your husband. Letting out another weak cry, you took Steve’s hand in a death grip. “There’s… blood. Call… the doctor. Helen. Someone.”_

_And he did. He screamed for Friday to tell your doctor to come immediately, and to alert Helen that you’d soon be in the medical bay. He picked you up and cradled you to his chest, moving as fast as he could without jostling you. You were weakly clinging to Steve as though your life depended on it; tears of fear and pain leaked from your eyes, and you tried to breathe through the panic._

_Before you knew it, you were entering the med bay as Helen pointed Steve to the closest bed. He layed you down carefully and took your hand in his and kissed your forehead. “Cho, what is happening? What’s happening to my wife?” he demanded._

_“That’s what I’m trying to find out, Steve. Y/N, can you tell me how far along you are, sweetheart?” She pulled back you shirt and quickly rubbed ultrasound gel onto your abdomen, trying to find the fetal heartbeat._

_“I’m… 9 weeks,” you choke out._

_Cho’s eyebrows furrowed as she continued to search._

_“Helen,” Steve growled. “Tell me what’s going on. What’s happening to my wife?”_

_She looked at him with sadness as she took a deep breath. “I can’t find the fetal heartbeat.”_

_“What does that mean? What- what’s happening?” he choked. You looked up at him with fresh tears in your eyes, your grip on his hand tightening._

_“It… It means that… Y/N, you’re most likely having a miscarriage. When your doctor gets here, she can confirm, but… The amount of pain you’re in and how much you’re bleeding have me convinced. We could do a pelvic exam to confirm the type of miscarriage but I won’t put you through that. I’m so sorry. I’ll give you two some privacy.” She walked away after pulling the curtains around the bed._

_Your crying turned to full out sobbing as you curled in on yourself, trembling from both physical and emotional agony. Steve fell to his knees beside your bed, a look of unmitigated shock and anguish painted across his features as tears slipped from his eyes. Your hands remained connected - they were your lifelines. Steve brought up his other hand to rub slow, soft circles on your lower back._

_A couple hours later, your doctor arrived. She spoke with Cho before asking you a few questions and explaining the most probable cause for the miscarriage: chromosomal abnormality. She explained that it wasn’t your fault, nor was it Steve’s, or even the fault of the serum. Though her words provided closure, they were still hard for you to hear._

Your second miscarriage had been similar to the first.

Now as you sat in the examination room, you wondered how to tell Steve. He was away on a mission, but he was due back the next evening. You desperately hoped this pregnancy wouldn’t end in termination again; there was nothing more you wanted than to have a child with the love of you life. You were happy, of course - elated, even.

But you were also terrified. You tried to tear your mind away from the what-ifs, but it was hard. You and Steve were still grieving from your previous two losses, and while you had mutually decided to start actively trying again soon, it was hard to maintain a positive outlook.

Starting on your way home, you decided to make it a surprise for Steve. Little did you know, you had a surprise of your own waiting for you when you got there.


	2. Chapter 2

You parked your car and headed inside your home, noting the clanking of pots and pans coming from the kitchen as you set your things down.

“Steve?”

You heard a soft “ah, shit” before he came out of the kitchen to greet you with a kiss. “How was your day, sweetheart?”

“It was… uh, fine. I have some news for you later though. How was your day?”

“Oh well, you know…”

“Um, no I don’t, Steve… not unless you tell me? Why are you acting so strangely?”

“I’m not acting strangely,” he answered too quickly. You gave him a look and he dropped his gaze to the floor, rubbing the back of his neck. “I uh… wanted to surprise you. With dinner. And um… a uh… nice bath. And maybe something else, too…” he trailed off into an indiscernible mumble.

“I feel a ‘but’ coming on, Steve… just tell me, honey.”

“I kind of burned dinner.”

“How bad is it?” You began walking toward the kitchen. “Maybe we could… oh _god_ , Steve.” He followed you into the kitchen and gave you a sheepish wince, knowing there was no way in hell dinner could be salvaged. “Oooookay. Well, sweety, let’s just order take out, okay? We can still have dinner together and take a bath, or whatever you were mumbling about.”

Steve smiled and leaned down to kiss you. “How are you so understanding? I feel so bad.”

“Not to worry, dear husband… now, you clean up your mess and I’ll call for Thai. Deal?”

“Deal.”

* * *

50 minutes later found you and Steve sharing pad thai while sitting on the couch, your legs tangled together as your feet lay on the coffee table. Your head rested on his shoulder as you listened to him explain the dinner-gone-wrong. After a full explanation and a vow that he would never cook without help again, the conversation turned.

“So babe, what news did you have?”

You fought to take a deep breath, your anxiety on the matter instantly returning. Steve, sensing your struggle, gripped your hand in his and wrapped an arm around you. 

“Whatever it is, sugar, we’re together. End of the line, baby.”

You inhaled once more, nodding and accepting his support as you leaned into him.

“I went to the doctor’s office today… because I’ve missed my last two periods.”

“Mhm, go on.”

“I didn’t want to get my hopes up… and I know we aren’t actively trying yet, since the last…”

“Baby doll, are you tryin’ to say…?”

“We’re pregnant.” You were fighting between elation and pain, just as you knew Steve was.

“Darling, I’m so happy.” He pulled you into his embrace, stroking your hair with one hand and wrapping his other arm around your waist firmly. Your pain quickly overtook your grief and your body was shaking, wracked with sobs as you cried into your husband’s shoulder. “I know, Y/N, I know.”

“It’s just… I’m so afraid, Steve. I can’t- I couldn’t handle it if- if-” Steve was still trying to soothe you, but he let you continue talking. It would be good for you to get it off your chest. “What if this pregnancy turns out like the others? What if we lose the baby? I can’t do this, Steve, it’s got to be my fault, I can’t keep doing this to you!”

“Hey, now, darling. You’re not doing anything to me. This is not your fault. Remember what the doc said? The other two, it was chromosomal abnormality. They were never created to survive, and that’s not anyone’s fault - that’s just shitty genetics and shitty luck. This time could be it - we could have a baby! I think we need to believe in that. Okay?”

You sniffled. “Yeah, I think we should try to believe.”

After a bit of lighter conversation, Steve still treated you to a warm bath and a slow massage. When you were both dried off and in bed together, you lay above Steve with your head resting on his chest, right over his heart, with his arms wrapped around you. After a few moments of silence, you voiced your thoughts.

“Do you ever wonder what they’d be like?” you spoke just above a whisper.

Steve felt his chest tighten and he tightened his grip on you slightly. “Every damn day,” he breathed. “I save a kid, and it makes me wonder if I’d ever have to save one of them. I walk passed a toy store, and I think about what kind of things they’d like to play with. I look into your eyes… and I know one of them had to have your eyes, I just know. And would they have had your best traits? Would they have mine? Would they inherit all the shit I dealt with when I was young? God, I even look in the mirror and ask what I could do just to see them…”

“Steve…” you sigh, tears in your eyes. You hold him tightly, knowing just how much pain he was in and how much he probably blamed himself. “Just so you know, I feel the same. I feel those same things, and more, and I feel just how much pain you’re in, and I just… Everyday, I feel how much love I have for our lost children, and this one? I’m so afraid, Steve, I want to hold her. I want to raise her and love her and teach her and… I can’t lose her.” You were fully sobbing now, Steve watching you and soothing you.

“I know, baby. I know. Shh, it’s okay.”

Once you had calmed down, Steve remembered something you had said, a word you had used.

“Wait… did you say ‘she’?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah, I guess I did…”

“It’s to early to know… right?”

“Yeah, way too early. Intuition, I guess?”

“I’ve always wanted a girl first… I just, back in the forties, I never thought I’d have kids, y’know? With everything that was wrong with me, and how small I was… I mean, ladies didn’t exactly go for that.”

“You know, Steve, I didn’t fall in love with you for your looks. I’d have married you even if you were tiny. It’s your heart and soul that I love… the looks are just a bonus. I’d never try to face life with anyone else.”

Steve smiled as he gazed at you. It was your eyes that had initially drawn Steve to you. When you first met each other at SHIELD headquarters (before the collapse of the organization), you’d been caught up in a meeting, but when Steve saw you through the glass of the board room, he knew he was already in too deep. He’d asked you out to dinner that night and the rest was history but through it all it was you who got him through the hardships.

Soon you were drifting off to sleep in Steve’s arms. As he felt your breathing slow into a steady rhythm, he prayed to whatever higher power would listen. _Please let us have this bit of happiness. We’ve found each other, but we’re ready to have a family. So whoever you are… I’ll do anything… just give this to us, please._

* * *

The next five weeks passed smoothly. You had told only Bucky, Natasha, and Wanda of the news, as they had been you and Steve’s main supporters during your last two losses. They were optimistic, and were more than willing to help out in any way they could. (Bucky was especially eager as he “just knew” he’d be the best godfather ever. You were the lead psychologist on the case to get his head back into his control and the pair of you were almost as close as him and Steve)

Everything seemed to be progressing well as you approached the end of the first trimester. That is, until you woke up in the middle of the night, screaming.


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait (if anyone on here was even waiting)! I forgot to upload on here after posting on tumblr. Enjoy!

_You smiled fondly as you watched Steve from the doorway. He was trying to soothe your newborn daughter by cradling her in his arms and rocking her back and forth in a white rocking chair. He had gotten out of bed almost as soon as her cries could be heard from the baby monitor that sat on the nightstand in your room, though you had gone to take care of her when you noticed it was her hungry cry._

_You entered the room and Steve looked up with a sheepish half-smile, uncertain as to why she was still crying._

_“She’s hungry, dear - not exactly something you can take care of,” you joked. As you took her into your arms, Steve moved so you could sit in the chair, but instead of going back to bed he leaned against the wall by the chair and looked on as you got yourself and the baby situated so she could eat._

_“You know, I don’t even mind waking up at 3 in the morning for her. Most parents would be annoyed, I think, but I just… ‘m not.”_

_You glanced up at him from watching your daughter, a soft smile playing on your features. “I mean… I agree, for sure, but I’m exhausted, Steve.” You looked back at the small person in your arms. “Somehow though, the sleepless nights, sore nipples, never getting a moment to myself… it’s worth it. To have her… I wouldn’t have it any other way.”_

_Steve opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted by the phone going off in the other room._

_“Be right back.”_

_He was nonchalant, even though you both knew what a call at this time meant. He wasn’t supposed to be assigned to any missions for another month, but if Captain America was needed, well… how could he refuse? You could hear Steve’s voice, initially growing louder with anger and then dying down to expose frustrated resignation. He traipsed back into the nursery, dreading telling you he had to leave._

_“Darling, they’ve called me-”_

_“On a mission,” you sigh. “I understand, Steve. I just wish you didn’t have to leave.”_

_His eyebrows knitted together at your resigned acceptance and he moved to kneel in front of you and the baby. “Doll, you know I’d never leave if I didn’t have to. They said it was serious… there’s a situation in Constanta. It looks bad. I’ve got to do what I can to help.”_

_Grasping his hand in your own, your features softening in understanding. “I know, baby… just… be careful. Come home to us, Captain Rogers,” you smiled._

_“I will, of course I will. I love you - both of you.” He leaned up to press a soft, loving kiss to your lips, savoring his last moment of peace for the time being. With your daughter unlatched from your breast, Steve gently took her into his arms and cradled her as he murmured his goodbye to her before kissing her forehead and placing her back in your arms. “I’ll be back before you know it, Y/N. I promise.”_

_And with that your captain was gone, off to save the world again._

_A few days passed, and you watched the situation unfold on the news. There was no one left at the tower as the entire team had left to diffuse the situation so you stayed in your Brooklyn apartment with your daughter, trying not to spend every waking moment worrying. It didn’t work._

_Finally, you got word that the team was headed home, the situation in Romania seemingly solved. You were able to relax some, though you knew you’d never be fully calm until you had Steve back in your arms. With your little girl sound asleep in her crib, you lay on the couch in the living room, phone in hand, waiting for Steve’s call to let you know how things went._

_When your phone finally went off, you accepted it without looking at the caller ID. “Steve?!”_

_“No… Y/N, I… I’ve gotta tell you something, sweetheart.”_

_“Bucky? What… what happened? Is Steve alright, is he hurt?”_

_“No, Y/N. He… Steve is dead.”_

_You were silent as you froze, not believing him._

_It started as a soft mumble - “no.” You repeated the same word over and over again, each time growing louder until you had dropped your phone on the floor and were practically screaming. The baby was crying now, and you collapsed on your knees as your final cry left your lips. Bucky was trying to get your attention on the phone, and numbly reached for it again, placing it next to your ear._

_“Bucky,” you sigh._

_“Y/N, the quinjet is landing right now. Okay? I’m gonna come over. I’m on my way right now, I’m just gonna grab a change of clothes and I’ll be right there.”_

_“Okay,” you croak. The baby is still crying, and you find the strength in yourself to go to the nursery and pick her up. Bucky finds you there minutes later; he’s a wreck, and looks like he’s been crying. With the child in your arms finally settled down, you set her back in the crib and allowed Bucky to envelop you in his arms. Once you had cried until your tear ducts were dry, Bucky guided to into the living room and sat with you on the couch until you fell asleep against him._

You woke with a start, a scream leaving your lips before you knew what was happening. You sat up in a panic, reaching out for Steve next to you, then placing your hand over the small bump in your stomach and trying to calm yourself down. Steve’s arm was soon wrapped around you, his hand gently resting along your jaw and drawing you to look at him.

“Sweetheart, are you alright? Is something wrong? Is the baby okay?”

“The baby’s fine, Steve, I just had a bad dream.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

You took a deep breath, deciding it would be easier to go back to sleep without thoughts of losing Steve running through your mind. “We had the baby, but you were called away on a mission when she was two months old. You died.”

He drew you closer to him, wrapping both arms around you and kissing your temple. He didn’t move away, instead speaking with his lips brushing over your skin. “I’m right here, Y/N, and I’m not going anywhere. I can’t promise that a mission won’t go wrong - I could be hurt, or killed, and you know that.” He pulled back to look you in the eye as he spoke again, “But I promise you, I will always do my damnedest to come back to you. And _when_ we have this baby, it will only strengthen my resolve - I’ll have more to protect, more to come home to. I swear to you, Y/N Y/L/N-Rogers, you’re not gonna lose me any time soon.”

“I love you, Steve,” you murmured. “I love you to the sun and back.”

“And I love you, Y/N. Love you to the sun and back times two.”

“Oh yeah? Well I love you to Neptune and back, Steven Grant Rogers,” you smirked.

“Alright, alright, you win, doll.” He smiled before he crushed his lips against yours, holding you tightly and making you feel more safe and loved than you knew you could feel. Pulling back slightly, you shared a smile. “We should get back to sleep, yeah?”

“Yeah. Steve?”

He shifted back to lay on the pillows and held out his arm for you to join him. “Mhm?”

“Will you hold me?” you questioned softly.

“Of course, baby doll. C’mere.”

You settled into his arms, your head resting on Steve’s chest and one of your arms draped over his stomach. You were on the edge of sleep, perfectly content in your husband’s arms with his hands stroking your hair and back and baby bump.

“Love you so much, Stevie,” you sighed, bringing a smile to Steve’s face. Silently he remembered his promise to you earlier and swore that he would always come back to you and your child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I know this ends with a lot of fluff but things may not look so bright for them in the next chapter ;) Let me know what you thought and if you’d like to see more! (Friendly remember that feedback means I’ll have more motivation to write and you guys will get more material!! It’s a win-win!)


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